Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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