hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
