Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
