we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
