I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
