I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
