We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
