Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
