My first STD was from a foam party
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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