I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
