Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
