You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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