I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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