So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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