I just threw up on my dentist
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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