Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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