What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
