I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
