we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
