Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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