I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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