God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
