A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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