Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
