I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
