It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
