is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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