I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
