Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
