I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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