In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
