I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
