Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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