Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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