I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
