Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
