i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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