i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
