He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
