What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
