if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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