32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
