Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
