I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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