I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
