if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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