I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
