Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Just pee around me
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
