I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
