You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
