mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
