She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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